I had a miscarriage at 18 years old. This was something that I held a lot of guild over for many years. I was 17 weeks along. I labored, at home from Sunday to Thursday, to give birth on a toilet, and flush a fetus with never looking back. I was alone at the end. My main regret over the years is that I never looked. How could I have not cared enough for that baby to even know if it was a boy or girl. I could have provided a burial or a proper good-bye, instead I treated it like literal shit.

It was the end of October in 2001. This is how my therapist and EMDR helped me. I was failed by a medical system, by my partner, and by my family. Most importantly, I was a child. I was only 18 and I didn’t know any better. Before EMDR, I could barely think about that exact moment without a full on panic. After EMDR, I can think rationally and realize that it was not my fault. I did what I was told and I was failed.

I presented to the ED on Sunday with bleeding. I had an ultrasound to find out that there was no longer a heart beat. I was given pain medication to help me through the contractions. I had a regularly scheduled appointment the next day. I went to that appointment. Was told that I was having a rough time and that the fetus would pass on it’s own.

I was never offered a D&C. Given how far along I was, this would have been a reasonable option. Instead, I was sent home, essentially in labor. You see, 17 weeks is not nothing. I was having contractions. I had started to show. I was starting to make plans.

With my therapist, we went through that week. We did EMDR on that week. I can now talk about it, with tears, but I can get through it. I know it was not my fault. I no longer blame myself. I did exactly what any reasonable 18-year old would do in my position.

To all of you who have lost a baby, or are unable to conceive. I am so sorry. The loss never leaves. May you find peace. Do not keep your hurt locked away, share it. You are not alone.