I have heard that suicide attempts are a call for attention. What if someone makes an attempt, but no one knows? I was a teenager. I remembered this horrible thing in my life. I made an announcement about it. And Crickets.

Where do you go from there? Let me tell you where, nowhere. You have gone to the adults and nothing happened. I learned a lot in that experience. I learned to shut up and smile. I learned to perform. I learned that my feelings do not matter. I learned that my thoughts do not matter. I learned that I do not matter. I cannot even say that it felt bad because I knew no other way.

One night, I just didn’t want to feel the way I felt any longer. I don’t remember exactly how I felt though. We had a bottle of extra strength Tylenol. I counted 31 or 32 pills. I emptied the bottle and then I went to bed. I spent the next day or two throwing up profusely, but never said why.

I know there was curiosity to the missing Tylenol, but I was never directly asked and I never spoke up.

It didn’t really make me feel better. Also, nothing terrible happened the first time, so I did it again a few months later. I made sure to keep the pill count to about the same as the first time since there were more in this bottle. Again, I was not directly suicidal, I just wanted to stop feeling the way I felt. The second time, I phoned a friend. Once she threatened to call my mom, I immediately took it back and said that I lied.

Now that I am in healthcare and I have seen liver failure up close, I should have died. That was definitely enough Tylenol to put me in liver failure. PSA: over the counter drugs are not always safe and I recommend that you keep them out of reach of your kids/teens and definitely yourself if you have thoughts of self harm!

I do remember missing a day or two of school because I was vomiting, but it was chalked up to a virus and life goes on. Smile back on my face. Performance back in full swing.

My life was spared. God has a purpose for my life. That would not be the only time that I would be spared. Again, I do not mean to offend by discussing God. I believe in God and welcome you to believe in your higher power (if you have one). My faith will show up because it has shown up throughout my life. It has also been a pain point, as you will find out.