We all had them. I was in this precarious environment where I was actually good friends with some really popular girls (thanks to growing up on the swim team). I was always on the outside though. I was awkward and overweight. Some of the other popular group did not want me around, so I would not really know where the parties were being held. It gave me this false illusion of being with the “in crowd.”

II was in this weird place where I was a varsity cheerleader as a Freshman in High School. It was for the girls basketball team. I still have friends that were on that squad, but we were considered the lowest on the totem pole in cheer speak. I am still not even sure how I became a cheerleader. I knew that I was good, but I was overweight.

I did not really obsess over my weight, but it was pointed out to me more than once. Now, as an adult, what I wish was pointed out to me then: how I was a Varsity Athlete in 2 sports for all 4 years. I did that with my body. I had the body of an athlete. Yes, I carried a little extra weight, but I was strong. No one ever brought that to my attention. I also know now that I was hiding my body. This is something typical when someone is sexually abused. Now, we do also have an obesity epidemic, so do not go around thinking that everyone who is overweight has been sexually abused, just maybe don’t automatically jump to conclusions at all. Maybe just come at people with humility and questioning instead of judgement.

Anyway, these insecurities led me down some paths. I was looking for attention, wherever I could find it. I will rapid fire some things. Most things are common to a lot of teenagers, but let me say this: they are NOT normal. Normal is maybe one or two behaviors, but not the majority. Normal is having an honest and open relationship with your parents. It took me being a parent to teenagers to figure this out. I have failed miserably, but am learning. Learning from getting myself healthy and learning from those around.

Here goes nothing. Bringing vodka to school in a water bottle. Throwing parties while parents are away. Going out of town and drinking/driving most of the way. Becoming the money that funds an ex-boyfriends large marijuana purchase in hopes to sell (though we smoked most of it). Living with a family member who was only home 2 days a week, but still managing to get myself to school, feed myself, and care for myself. Start a relationship with someone 11 years older than me when I was 17.

There is so much pain and are so many stories. Remember when I said 2 Varsity sports for 4. years. I also maintained over a 3.5 GPA with all of this going on. Sometimes over-achievement is a trauma response. It is honestly a miracle that I was only sexually assaulted once during this time. Did I tell you about the therapist who said she was surprised that I wasn’t a drug addicted prostitute living on the streets? Do you get it now?