I was exposed to boys, alcohol, and cigarettes in one night. I guess that’s usually how it goes though. I have no idea what typical is supposed to be. I was a Freshman in high school. I was 15 years old. I really cannot remember if the memories had started yet or not, but I suspect they had since the rebellion was in full force.

I had gone to spend the night with a friend. We started the night by sneaking out to go to an eighteen year old boys birthday party at a hotel. My first kiss with a boy came on a dare (if I could take anything back, this would probably be it). There was drinking. The rest, that I can remember, was pretty harmless.

Once we left there, we walked to another friend’s house. We needed to call for a car-ride home. It was too late to get a taxi. It was at this house that I was introduced to cigarettes. I was hooked. There really is not anything else I can remember, but I think about how pivotal that night would have been in my life if I would have been exposed to an addictive drug. Luckily, I never turned into an alcoholic. I do not know that I would have had the same mental fortitude to stay off of drugs though.

You may wonder why I say this, why I am so sure. I was introduced to a therapist as a teenager that I only saw once. Her first sentence to me: “I’m surprised that you’re not a drug addicted prostitute living on the streets.” I didn’t get it. I lived with my mom and her long-time boyfriend. I was a good student. I was involved in sports and after-school activities. I was on my way to college. It did not make any sense.

As an adult, especially after all of these years in healthcare, I get it. I have taken care of so many patients in the ICU who have had drug overdoses or suicidal or alcoholics. I have had countless conversations with patients and families. The common thread: unresolved trauma. I have never lost sight of the very fact the I have always been one decision away from this side of the bed and being in the bed. That has been a very sobering fact of my life. It has also kept my empathy present. It also makes me so upset with drug and alcohol treatment because we are only treating the symptom, but that is an entire soap box for another day.